Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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