Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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