I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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