The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
