is your mom at the bar?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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