dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we're making bets on your personal life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
