I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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