i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
