I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
