Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
