Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
