you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
