The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
