Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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