You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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