Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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