So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
