My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
