Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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