moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
