you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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