The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
