you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
