Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
