I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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