Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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