You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
