Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
