He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
