if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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