I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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