well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize