wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
