i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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