just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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