you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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