She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
