I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
