You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
