don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
