speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
