My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
