Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
