i would punch a child for taco bell
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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