I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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