My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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