I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
