so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
