Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize