id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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