I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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