o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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