capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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