My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
a search helicopter?!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
