It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize