i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
