Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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