I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
