he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
