Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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