look no pants
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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