My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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