you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
