Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
