I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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